An open letter to the world's biggest hope for hard rock music

Seriously, Nicholas, open your eyes already

Album of the year, and it's not even metal

Does it still count as the same band, though...?

"It's called writing a goddamn song"

"Hallo, I am ze bone kollektoar; I haf komm to inspäkt your ekvipmänt, jaah?"

So... am I supposed to remember any of this?

Most accurate album title since "British Steel"

An injured predator, and so fucking fierce

And I'd be happy to give you some of mine, Jerry

This is pretty much organized auditive violence

[Insert Flogging Molly joke here]

No, it's not fucking power metal, and neither is Manowar.

Praise the kings of the underworld!

This year, a slighter rectification of slighter problems

"Vee have vays of raacking your face off, jaa?"

If you think you're in a river in Egypt, you're in deNile...

Here's a fun little drinking game

You're probably not gonna believe this

Yes, still with that weird seal thingy mascot

Transcending musical boundaries and comeback album standards

A metal heart is hard to tear apart

You'll have to be more than just a hardened horror movie buff...

Goddammit, take yourselves seriously

If it's fucking awesome, don't fix it

Does this count as a comeback album?

"Hear the mandrake scream", anyone?

Something proper about your propaganda – all else being equal

So... the moon has a throat infection, but that Tool dude is healing it, or...?

When your only mission is to metal as hard and relentlessly as possible